i (18m) am attracted to one of my close friends (20m). i love being around him and he's genuinely so loving and caring. but he's currently doing service for two years and communication is limited. i don't ever get to see him anymore. it's been a year since he began, and i was super sad for several months afterwards. he did come back a few months ago due to health issues, which was nice. i was able to see him again from time to time, but he left again last month because those health issues got resolved. i'm not sad 24/7 like i was the first time he left, but i find myself having intense mood swings that i never really got before. they can get triggered by small annoyances or sometimes just show up for no reason. my family never knows why i'm upset. i can't be happy for more than two days straight, even on vacation. it's not like i'm even sad he's straight; i'm aroace and totally fine with being friends. but i hate myself for feeling this way. it's like i'm grieving a dead loved one