I'm 26. I've spent the last 16 years working in chronic pain because my absent mother popped pills and ran a red. My only job I've worked since being old enough to legally is being run into the ground by an owner who doesn't care. My wife is distant at best because her own chronic illness is progressing and no matter how hard we try things just keep getting worse. We have a girlfriend, but she only seems to show interest in being intimate with me when I'm asleep. I'm not sure what about my personality puts her off when I'm conscious. I'm transgender and I've finally come out to the rest of my loved ones but seeking my own happiness only feels like punishing them for being more conservative. I've made peace with the fact I want to die, yet am too cowardly to pull the trigger myself. I'm going to pass my days in waiting until someone kills me. A loving god wouldn't put me through the things I've seen. The knife is in my pocket but the courage is not, so I can only wait for better days.