I hate being alive nowadays. I genuienly thought I got better but now that the summer hollidays have started I realized the only thing that got me out of bed and gave me enough motivation to actually take care of myself was school and now that I dont have school anymore i have no motivationg to get up or take care of myself in any way, shape or form. FuckI cant even eat normally anymore cause I fucking hate what I see in the mirror when I turn sideways. My belly sticks out as if i were some fat fucking cow and after finally making progress after consuming less than 700cals strictly and fasting sometimes I gained a kilo again cause I was forced to eat normally for three days. Not only that but i also struggle with gender dysphoria, I'm fine with how my face looks since i have a gender affirming hairstyle, but everytime I see my feminine body i want to end my shit. Why cant I just be a cis dude; why did I have to be cursed with this disgusting fucking body.