I wish I was dead so often but I don't want to actually die. I'm too scared to go through with it or even hurt myself anymore, I used to scratch my arms and once cut myself with a shaving razor but I didn't really break the skin much and it hurts too much for me to do it anymore... I would never hurt myself or take my own life but I can't stop thinking about it. I don't want to kill myself but if I fell asleep and never woke up I wouldn't mind you know? I keep thinking about horrible things. Getting hurt, hurting myself, the people i love getting hurt. I burst into tears petting my cat because I started thinking about him getting terribly injured. I don't know how to turn it off. And I have a good life! My family cares about me! I have friends even if not that many! I don't have a real reason to feel like this! Something just broke in me during COVID and even though I'm medicated now I still feel horrible every night.