I'm so tired, I've tried so hard to just get better. I've struggled with disordered eating for a year now, I've starved for days, I've binged, I've poisoned myself and vomited for hours after binging, I've gained weight, I've lost weight, but I cant recover. Whenever I try to eat normally, I always end up relapsing. It doesn't matter if it's been a day or a month, it always happens. I wish I could just feel normal and eat healthily without worrying about my body weight, and without emotionally eating until I feel uncomfortably full. It's gotten so bad recently. I've starved excessively, worked out, restricted, lost 10 pounds in a week, then gained it all back in two days from binging. All after trying to recover btw. Today is day 1 of trying to recover... Again... I've done this so many times I've lost count. It feels never ending. I'm too scared to ask for help, but I want to feel normal. Why am I like this. I do this shit and then wonder why I hate myself.