he knew it was the thing i was most disgusted at and it was also the thing i hated the most but still he sugested it like it was so normal. he was so sure i was gonna give in and he would get what he wanted. it seemed almost that he was happy that i had cheated on him so he could threaten me on doing it. i was so scared. i cried every single time it happened. i was making sure that he knew i hated every moment of it with all my soul. but he didn't really care, it didn't really stop him. he would just ask me to get over it and shut up so he could get off and finish everything. it was always about him or how i owed it to him because i would make him feel bad all the time. and i wasn't. he would just feel bad because i clearly wasnt attracted to him the way other women were attracted to other men. it got to the point that i dissociated while he raped me. i literally lost consciousness while he was doing it and i lost control over my movements for a brief period. he didn't even flinch.