i remember when i felt like i was dead while he said and did all of that to me. i dont even remember everything. the trauma is so strong. why did he had to do that? why did he feel the right to violate my body and my soul like that? like it was nothing. like i owed him something. he used to tell me that i wasnt worth anything or that no one would love me like he did. he told me that no one would ever have patience with me because i was so hard to deal with. i was just a teenager girl trying to navigate my own feelings. i was only sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen. he knew better. i couldn't know better. he was supposed to take care of me, not break me in every fucking way. now i see how absurd most of his talking was. and how coercive he was so i would think that i owed my body to him. and whenever i questioned him about it, he would say that it really was my fault that he had to do that. that he had to rape me, so he could teach me a lesson.