I have always wondered if as a kid, if i put up more of a fight, maybe everything will be different, maybe my parents wouldn’t say that I’m “normal” or “fine” when I have been suicidal since grade 2, and my first attempt was at 12 years old. I felt like I have betrayed myself for not standing up for myself and be more aggressive, maybe they could have taken me to the hospital, gave me more attention, be more like an adult, maybe the kids would be kinder to me, maybe I will not cry as much, maybe I will get my own room, maybe I wouldn’t be scolded for a slice of 1 dollar cake, maybe my drawings wouldnt be deleted without backups, maybe they will let me order whatever I want, maybe I wouldn’t want to throw up at the thought of food anymore, maybe she wouldn’t cry… I probably have cptsd, or maybe even autism, or even ocd, but I really don’t want to know, these labels doesn’t help me at all, I feel unfixable