im always so angry i feel like im going to snap one day and nobody will ever see me again. i dont even know why i feel this way but i do at the same time. nobody has seen me in a dark place before because im always pretending like everything is okay. i cant even tell anyone because im so messed up. my past haunts me and everything i do is a trauma response. i seriously hate myself. while im angry at someone and in that moment all i want to do is cry and cut myself, but instead i smile and give reassurance. someone can ask me if im okay, i panic to myself, mentally, and say "pshhh im okay!! why wouldnt i be?" im sick. im a disgusting pushover but its purely automatic. if im not like this nobody will love me. if im not always happy and there to help others in need, nobody will need me. i wont be thrown away, i cant. if i dont have at least one person relying on me ill die. im so angry i just want to speak my mind but my body isnt letting me. words never come out of my mouth when i try.