I wish sometimes that I went through some hardship to prove who I am, that I was beaten or abused more as a child, which I know is stupid and ridiculous. I can't stop thinking such edgy, useless, unemployed, rita tarded thoughts. I feel that I don't want to be happy, I don't want to be content, I don't even want expertise in any particular thing if there's no love involved. I wish I didn't want others to love or feel sorry for me. I wish I wasn't reliant on others, which is a major weakness of mine. I create dependencies wherever I go, it's exhausting not having the privacy in myself. I often wish I was dead, but I feel too weak and uncreative to think of an alternative- and that pressure is always placed on me, whether I acknowledge a patriarchy or not.