I’m so chronically embarrassed that I instinctively push people away so they won’t be able to see who I really am and judge me. The thing is I crave deep connection so badly. I’ve never had a true best friend, never had someone that I feel like I was really connected to and could trust. But even when I try to bridge the gap between people, it’s like I’ve forgotten how to do it. I’m so awkward now I can’t end one conversation without feeling like I just embarrassed myself so badly the other person probably hates me. I hate it. I hate myself for being this way and now I can’t do anything to go back to how I was before.
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