i am autistic and i have always struggled making friends. i was always the odd one out in any friend groups or all of my friends were only friends with me to laugh at me. as a child i loved my friends with my whole being which made me seem weird. i wouldn't say obsessed but they were most of if not my entire world outside of my sibling who basically raised me. when i was a teenager i found a lot of friends online. i take to almost none of them now. and the ones i do talk to don't feel. fulfilling? i talk to them because i am lonely and have no one else, but really when i speak to them i just feel empty. there is no longer this loving with my entire being like there used to be. i know this makes me a terrible person and i feel incredibly guilty for it. i had a few friends a few years ago that truly felt fulfilling for a while. unfortunately, i also struggle with schizophrenia. the paranoia i experienced about them all secretly hating me made me a pretty bad friend. we no longer talk.