i feel tired all the time. i want to feel happy, and i do, but its fleeting and short-lived. i feel down and numb and angry all the time. i dont want to die but it hurts and feels exhausting existing. my therapist says it's likely in-part due to how much i mask. but if i didnt i'd be in a ward. i just feel tired. i want to sleep for a week but i cant. i have a life someone else planned for me, someone i haven't been in months, and i dont know if i can find that person again. i crave control but can never do it right. i have an eating disorder and a mild addiction to self harm. its not good but it makes me feel like i can fix my fucking fat ugly medically severely obese husk of flesh and soothe my pain and anger and hurt and fear and shame and anguish through endorphins and dopamine that comes with cutting. its horrible and im so scared i'll be found out. but i need it to survive. otherwise i dont know when i'll begin to really, geninely start struggling. because what would i be then?