Constantly, I have to deal with these intrusive homo/suicidal ideation and it's driving me crazy. I'm left alone with my thoughts for one minute and my mind goes back to it. I have no outlet. Can't sh because I'm an athlete and everyone would see it, and I feel like a crazy person trying to tell anyone. I've never yelled at anyone or contested anyone in my life. I've always been the people pleaser. I feel so guilty about wanting to do these things because my life isn't even shit. It's about above average but the constant aching to finally do something with my life is always there. I must've thought about it 10,000 times by now. I try to journal down my thoughts and then I end up realizing plans even more. I hate how there's nothing stopping me. I hate how I always want to do it so badly. I think I would, if not for my dog, whom I love.