I don’t really know why I do it to myself, but I feel like every time I start to get better I make myself worse, if that makes sense. Like I’m happy and life’s good then I go and ruin it by reading sad books or listening to sad music. And I don’t want to be sad but i don’t know why it’s just like a default for me. It’s like my brain won’t let me be happy sometimes and i hate it. I’ve tried talking about it but all I get in return is either people yelling at me telling me to grow up or that I’m not actually sad or that I just need to think more positively. Like don’t you think I’m trying? Every time I look in the mirror I want to cry and I try I really do try to be more positive but I hate my body. It’s just a lot and I don’t really feel like I have anyone who I can actually talk to.