Im such a disappointment. My mom said it herself. And she’s not even mad about it. She just feels bad for me. She pities me. She wants me to work harder, be better, because I deserve it. What she doesn’t know is that my procrastination, isolation, messy room, long showers, lack of motivation, and inactive hobbies aren’t just me being a phone addict like she said. It’s a result of me cutting myself, of me being exposed to written porn and feeling suicidal and empty every single day. I tried pushing people away and adopting a nihilistic view on the world to make myself feel better from when I wanted to die because I didn’t feel like I deserved to live. Last year I thought my intrusive thoughts made me a horrible person. the only way to make me feel better was to hate everyone else. Now, I know. Ive just been stupid. I don’t deserve to live. I’ve been selfish, hateful, depressed, and I don’t even wanna get better. I attempted last night. I need it to work next time. Im so tired..