everything is so difficult and i keep waiting for something or someone to save me, wether it be a magical person or a euphoric pill. but part of my problem is that i don’t want to save myself. i’m so comfortable in my extreme depression and my sadness it feels uncomfortable to try to climb out of that hole. i’ve spent so much of my life wanting to die and it’s so engraved into me i don’t see another option. but nobody wants to die. i don’t really want to die, i just want a break. i want it a little easier. maybe im lazy, or too much of a coward. i always have to be in motion and i always have to be doing something and the world expects so much of you and i can’t meet everybody’s expectations or my own very high expectations and because of that i feel like i should just die. my mind is all over the place and i just want a lot of rest. but life doesn’t wait for you to get better. just wish it was different.