I hate feeling happy sometimes. Then the next day when i feel fucked up and horrible, my parents always say I was "okay the other day." I feel as if I'm going to grab a blanket and just tie it so hard where my eyes pop out. Where blood smears. And all I hear is nothing. .that might be graphic. but I don't care at this point. I don't know how someone's tone can just change my whole mood. I don't bother telling anyone because I have so much more support than someone else. And that makes me feel like I dont deserve them. it makes me sick inside. like I want to throw up. I want to choke on my own air. Ever since my mom told me to kill myself a few months back, It doesn't feel any better now. it's still in my head. I get my parents are trying, truly. But sometimes I feel undeserved of this life. And I plan on just letting it rot until I stay in my bed so much I melt in there. I hope that after I die, all I see is darkness. Because that's all I deserve to see. I am worthless in this world.