I want to die. Its a creeping thought that comes to me when im alone in the darkness of my bedroom. Life is seeming like its going nowhere good and no matter what i do, i continue to fail. I feel alone despite being surrounded by people who say they care about me, but i cant help thinking that they keep me around because they pity me. I feel like i dont contribute anything to life; that im taking up space that could have been used by someone more useful and i would be better off in a hole somewhere far, far away. But i also acknowledge that i have a mental disorder that makes me believe such things. That life is not always bad, that there are things to continue surviving for; and that the way im thinking is incredibly selfish. That if I were to act in anyway on my urges that i would cause a whole lot of hurt for those i claim to love too. I need to get help but i cant admit it to myself long enough to take those actionable steps to get better. So here i sit, living for whom i love.