I've been felling nothing lately. No happiness, no sadness, just hatred towards what I am. I hate my smile, my face, how I talk, walk, act. Ever since she went to the Psychiatric hospital I've felt like shit. I never wanted this, I didn't want it to move on so fast and break her heart. Now she is there and I hate how I talk, how I act, everything about me. Of course, sometimes I am happy, excited etc. but it is temporary. I don't wanna make this about me, I don't think I deserve making it about me after I broke her heart. The idea of having a happy life now disgusts me now that she lost her first days in a new school because of me. I feel disgusted with my body as her last words to me before she went there were "does anyone even wanna fuck you?". I hate it, I hate that I met her and destroyed everything in her life. I always said "im not suicidal, Im to big of a pussy to do it" but now it doesn't sound so bad. I don't wanna die, ofc not. But a world where I was never born sounds nice.