i hate my dad. im scared of him. he probably hates me too. he fatshames me. he makes fun of me when i start to cry in his presence. he puts so much pressure on me. i dont want to be his child. he calls me the wrong name, the wrong pronouns. i hate when he is home. i hate the mention of him. even the thought of him disrespecting me makes me cry. he made me be scared of him, scared to go out of my room to face him. scared to interact with anyone. he overwhelms me. he has been verbally abusing me for all my life. he is the reason i became alive. i didnt choose to be his child, to be here at all. and wanting to die is on my mind all the time, but i just cant commit to it. the fear of being in pain, or failing to actually unalive me is haunting me. i havent been in school for months. ive been to the mental hospital 5 times already, with failed results or cutting it short. im useless. i have had enough. nobody needs me. i dont have friends. all i have is the internet to ease out the pain....