I've had depression for a while now and it never really manifested in the ways that it does with others, since i never wanted to hurt or kill myself. I mostly just felt empty and apathetic, the only times i really felt depressed would be when i would make myself with specific music, and i liked doing it since it was a genuine emotion that actually felt real. Recently a "partner" who i was forced to leave, helped me break down the immense walls i had built up, and i actually felt how depressed i was. it sucked. i wanted to hurt myself, kill myself, tell him to kill himself and remove the burden he put onto me. i hated it so so much. i tried to take a shower but i made the water extremely hot, and burned myself on purpose. i liked it. Im already aware that im a masochist and enjoy pain, but i realized that i had also used it as a coping mechanism from previous pain i had experienced. unfortunately since i had to leave him, i resorted to putting the walls back up so i don't hurt anyone