For a couple years now I've felt hollow. And that nothing around resonates and I have no hope or drive to try or do anything. This makes me think about all the various ways of suicide but I doubt I'd follow through but its allways in the back of my mind. The happiest I've honestly ever felt was when I was staying in this run down apparent for 2 days where I was fixing the place by my self doing intense labour and sleeping on the dirty floor and then my family arrived and moved in with beds and such and that 1 moment of joy that I've felt in years faded. I plan to try and make youtube videos soon to help lift my spirits though so wish me luck.