I have always thought of myself as a nihilistic person, but I’ve always thought I could be an optimistic version of that. It gets harder every day to see the light of everything. To understand why I do everything that I do. It will all lead to an inevitable end. There isn’t a purpose, really, to do anything. All of it is just to occupy our minds up until that point. To distract. It terrifies me. I have been feeling incredibly useless lately. No matter how much I tell myself I do matter and there are amazing things about who I am, I can’t help but seeing all of my negatives, my flaws, outweigh everything that is good. I am incredibly lazy and unmotivated and I couldn’t care less about competition with others. It makes me ill to think of being in this world because I don’t think I could ever be as successful as I want to be. I don’t have the natural drive to do it. Because of my point of view on life. “It’s meaningless, so why should I?” I can’t get it out of my head. It hurts terribly.