Today I had a spiral. It starts with something small that frustrates me and my emotions just slowly spiral into something bigger but I can’t help that, I have a few disorders that affect my emotions. My cat threw up on my sheets right after I changed them, which I know isn’t a big deal, but then over the course of an hour I ended up hating everyone and standing in the middle of the woods. I was just standing there and crying. I don’t know what my end goal was but I think I was going to leave and find something that made me feel like I was actually real. I was crying about how everything feels fake and that it’s all already gone. It feels horrible but at the same time I don’t wanna get better. I want to be free in a way that I can’t comprehend. Someday I fear I’ll actually go through with it, maybe that’s the freedom I’ve craved all along. But even then I’ll probably still feel trapped. Re-reading this makes me feel like I’m some lunatic. Maybe I should be in a ward.