Looking back from a year I feel as if I have conquered a lot of hurdles that were once in front of me. I feel as if time dragged so much within that year. So much that was not in my control such a bitter, hateful time (more so 7 years, but the last year seems as if wrapping up a chapter). Seems like I have accomplished a lot that I thought would be in my way. I feel in control in so many ways now that I feel this fire, this tense, growing passion in my soul. Its volatile, jaded, but resourceful. A year from yesterday was the last time I contacted you, no response back. I dont know if thats b/c your on ur merry way or if it was through silent contempt. I purposely made it seem I had a wonderful life.. it wont be the last, I'll make sure you know.

You know what. I don't want to matter to anyone anymore. Because then I can finally stop and rest and find peace. Mattering just means I am not done fighting and doing my duties, that there is still more the world wants from me even though I have nothing left to give. I am done. I am so completely, utterly done.

My life is shit as hell. All I want to do is disappear . But I don't want to die but I don't want to live either. My dad has started raping me and I want to self harm again but I cant because I don't have anything to hurt myself with. I almost attempted last week, and my mum is always at work so it feels like I am stuck alone with this pervert (aka my dada) and I cant tell anyone because my dad would kill me and my life would just be made a whole lot worse. Also I think my best friend has a crush on me and I'm not comfortable around him anymore. HE also makes a daily habit to annoy me, and I just don't feel right. What is wrong with me?!