today, i made a list of who i would have to write notes to if i killed myself. my mental and physical healths are both at the lowest theyve ever been, and i fail to contribute really anything to this world. it's so much easier to give up, and i've always been a coward. my partner told me that even if i cant get up to turn on the overhead light, that i can live off of the flashlight on my phone, because even if i do so for a long time, eventually i'll be able to reach that lightswitch. the terrible thing is, i don't ever want to get up. it's so much less effort to just die in the darkness than have to struggle to get up. i've always been a person where, if theres an easy way to do something, that's what i do, no matter if it's harmful to myself or the feelings of others around me. i've never had an excuse, i know im a terrible person. i just want to stick a knife in my chest and cut myself open like a big, fleshy, disgusting cake, and look at all the terribleness in me before i died.