i just wanna get high and scroll my phone, i have no motivation anymore it fucking sucks man

im pissed with myself. i want to self harm like i used to, i want to do the shit things i used to do just to feel something. i hate depression. i hate wanting to go back onto snapchat just to sexualize myself and solicite myself. i hate wanting to self harm like i used to because i can only find comfort in myself. i hate being a girl. i hate being pretty. i hate that everyone says im pretty and that i have a models body. ive ruined myself so much in hope that others will find me unattractive but apparently it doesnt fucking matter as long as i have a pretty face ill still get preyed on older guys because thats all that they will ever fucking see of me. its not the scars on my arms or my legs or even my chest. its just my face, and even if my face is riddled with acne scars, ill still get looked at for my facial harmony. i hate being an attractive girl. i wish i wasnt. im fucking 16 and i keep getting ADULT MEN hitting on me, preying on me, but fuck. somebody kill me

i relapsed. i hate how i have no paib tolerance anymore like i used to. its not deep enough, i can barely scratch myself, its not enough to feel something. my body is too sensitive now, i have zero tolerance. i know whatever ive done to myself still means im suffering regardless and i dont have to compare my stress, but i hate it. i used to be much worse and i wish i could be like that now. i cant do anything. im fucking hopeless