i’m relapsing into disordered eating again and i can’t talk to anyone about it. i’m so ashamed and disgusted by my body. i’m even more frustrated that i can’t buy the groceries i want. i have to rely on my mom because i’m a lazy useless freeloader. even when i actually ask her to get stuff, i feel guilty for making her spend more money, and usually i don’t like the recipes i try. i like the old familiar recipes that made me fat to begin with. if i lived alone, maybe i could eat the way i want, but i’ll never be able to but i hate this body. i’ve tried over and over to get over myself but i can’t. i’m disgusting. i can’t stand going outside because i don’t want anyone to see me. i hate all of my clothes. i can’t even get a haircut because i know i’ll hate how i look no matter what i do. since 2021, every year i’ve had an episode, and every year i just end up gaining instead of losing. every year it never fucking matters. i can’t be open about it to anyone because they won’t get it.