we must learn to feel and process the pain instead of trying to reject it and putting ourselves through more and more distractions, giving ourselves temporary bandaids when we have been through so much abuse and trauma. i lived so many years of my life blocking the feelings out, relegating them to something i thought was a healthy outlet, just going through the motions of being a teen and young adult, expecting nothing good to happen ever and have no purpose in life. i was totally numb to the suicidal ideation and it just lived with me. i admit i was using drugs during some of it just to feel something, i was hurting myself a lot too. id spend weeks doing nothing and not leaving the house except for doctors appointments. i was able to just live for the experience of life and not expect anything out of my existence. my self esteem hit rock bottom and because i could not kill myself, i had nothing to do but improve myself or i was just making everyone i loved miserable