Because the Lord didn’t do it first. I will commit violence upon myself rather than others. I will show myself no mercy just like God as truthfully recorded from the Old Testament. I want to do this. But somewhere high in His kingdom, maybe he does have a solution to all of this. Once that I cannot perceive for the amount of struggles of my faith that I am already going through. Do I have to train my will to follow faith without a noticeable hand from God? Do I have to push my soul to God’s everlasting-good word? Do I have to kill myself? I’ve asked for patience. His plan isn’t instant. I’ve asked for guidance. I know that his plan isn’t instant and that I must persist with my life. I’ve asked. What other core ideas must I pray? God knows my struggles. He knows my relationship with Him is lowering. But He isn’t giving me the motivation, the power, the image to continue. It is less of a peaceful wait and more of ‘get me out of this world if you can’t help me.’