I have fallen from faith for God has not maintained the stairs of life I walk on. I can’t motivate my form to be aptitude to faith, for God has made me to be the counter-productive, mechanically self-contradictory force that I am; Cognitive dissonance and ADHD push me down further and further And I ask. “God, you made me a mechanism of internal suffering and pushed it deep into my mind. And when I ask for the one thing that can push me back to faith, away from sin just like your apostles and priests and saints and people of Christ before me, there is no response. Why?” Asking ‘Why?’ and receiving no response should not be looked by me as rejection, as abandonment, but perhaps a part of a bigger plan. A plan too wide for me to follow. A plan that does not put pressure on me. I need that pressure to be on me. And if the pressure of faith and the word of the Lord does not reach me, I will do it myself. I will punish myself brutally. I will leave scars that last in all aspects of my form.