I don't know why I want to be abused again, I just do? I suppose. I mean, everytime it happens i get a a feeling that makes me feel weird, confused, gross, and i'm addicted to it. It hurts, but it feels good and that doesn't even make sense!! This has caused me to lie to beings who I love which I hate, Im also Hypersexual which often combines with the feeling, which is even worse. I know I will be abused again which a part of me thinks thats scary, and another part of me thinks that its relieving. I hate it. It does not help that I have C-PTSD too, so anything that happens, is on loop in my mind for at LEAST a couple hours, it spirals, once it comes I distract myself, it goes away, it comes back. I hate myself but also pity myself for this. This is honestly disabling to me since of how my C-PTSD, Hypersexuality, and the feeling of abuse, AuDHD, and depression,, it isnt the best mindset to say the least.. I need help, but I dont know how to help myself. Which is scary.