my only irl friend is my partner and he is more sick than i am so trying to find emotional support in him just makes him start spiralling and calling himself a failure of a partner. i have online friends, but they have their own problems to deal with and i won't use them as a therapist. i used to be very mean manipulative and guilt tripping when i was young. when i realized how awful my behavior was, it was too late to change. im grateful to the people who stayed around me and encouraged me to get help, but i don't want to be toxic and dependent on them. theyre all suicidal or depressed or have eating disorders. they don't need to hear extra whining from someone who is just sad about having health problems. if I feel so useless why do i even call them my friends? im spitting in their face with this behavior. That's why I don't open up. I'll talk to the creeps and let them take advantage of me and my trauma online. Makes me feel something without having to have sex..