i hate how disgusting i am. when i was younger i was touched inappropriately on my butt by a random teenager. he was my cousins friend? im not sure, ill never remember his name or his face but ill always remember how his hands felt. After it happened, my dad walked in on me sitting on his lap and he slammed me into a brick wall as a punishment. a few years later when i was about eight maybe seven i discovered porn on the internet and acted out what i saw on myself. so, one time i woke younger brother up and touched him inappropriately. i did it briefly, and then immediately felt disgusting. I didn't know why it was wrong back then, but then immediately felt gross doing it. out of fear, i told him to go to sleep and never tell anybody and since then ive felt so immensely disgusting and filthy. I've become the perpetrator. i am what traumatized me so deeply from when i was younger. i cant live with myself. even though it was years and years ago and i didnt understand i feel disgusting.