i'm tired of waiting for the messages to come, to feel some spark in life again. i want to die so bad, and i'm sure i'll be happier dead, but if i leave things won't get taken care of here at home and i'll leave a burden on my family and friends. my birthday is on the fourth of july, next week, but i'm going to be spending it alone. i can't see the three people who care the most about me because they're six hours away, my friends here aren't going to do anything with me, and my family doesn't give a shit because the holiday is much more important to them. i keep having these visions. everyone i love is around me and we're having a birthday party out at a park. we're grilling out, chatting, having a nice time. i get a gift or two, and some cake and ice cream. nothing crazy. just a day where i don't have to sacrifice parts of myself to keep things smooth sailing. but i'm not going to get that. i just want a fun day, is that too much to ask for? something to look forward to?