I feel like no matter how much I study I will never live up to my potential. At this point I'm unsure if I'm just delusional and am doomed to fail anyways. Because if I truly had that potential, then why am I not doing anything, why is there nothing I excel at? It feels like there's this weight of being useless on me, like nothing I'll ever do will be worth anything. It's so weird that it always comes up with this issue. Because generally I'm happy but then all is too much and it feels like the only way out is offinbg myself. I always say, im too rational to actually ever do that but it makes me carry around the constant hope of a backdoor, a fast way out. I don't know what to do with myself. I can barely keep my apartment clean, i feel like im always behind on work and uni and the jealousy of what other people can do and actually do sometimes eats me alive. Because I never matter. I wish I had all the knowledge in the world.