Several years have past and the closest thing I thought I had to a friendship had broke, because I screwed it over with gaslighting and being far too needy, even above my station. At this point, its arguably the worst thing I did do. But this left me more vulnerable and it wiped away years of any meaning, even if I didn't have the same hopes in the, being honest here, parasocial, mercenary relationship we were in. I know I'm a worthless piece of shit. However, can I find someone actually willing to be around me to re-do things? I get I have to do some things presenting what I want and I need to be better accepting rejection. I don't know why I hope it'll be better, I'm probably manipulating people even like this, seems to be all I do. Can I hope at least I can get somewhere better than the hell I live in alone? World? Anyone? I'm trying not be a vile piece of shit, but seems it's all my future is.