I don't know how much longer I can take this. I feel stupid for tearing up over things like the outsiders, but it's because I know one day that's how things will be. I don't imagine all my friends living into adult hood, at least one of em will be dead, wether it's me, Keira, kaden, or someone else. I've had vivid daydreams of smashing my head into the band lockers, blood on the floor and me half conscious, just so they would worry about me. If I ever kill my self I know it would be so people finally understand, feel bad for me, or to make them know it's their fault. That's what makes me know I'm a bad person. I try to think of myself as good but it's getting hard to do that. I can't go long without overthinking something like a slightly dry message or a weird look, to the point I'll get so worried they hate me I go into a depressive episode. There's something wrong with me, I can't fucking take it. I just want to be dead so people miss me for once, so they pay attention and feel bad.