i feel like a lying fraud amongst my friends. i have done a lot of crazy shit in the past and if they knew, they'd drop me in a heartbeat. it's been years but it still eats at me. they're all very kind and talented people, so to talk to them like i haven't done some outrageous things is so deceptive. often, i think about dropping them all to save them the pain, but i can't hurt them more than i can in the near future. i wish i had been a better person back then.
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