I’m too afraid to go to a therapist. I’ve been suicidal since I think 7, I’m 22 now and I’ve had so many close calls it feels like dumb luck I’m still here. I feel like all the mental health stuff surrounding suicide is really shallow and it’s all the same. I don’t think anyone can really help me, no one has the words that I’m looking for. I didn’t realize until recently that all this time I’ve spent thinking about my own death and who will find my body was actually traumatic by itself. I get all these flashbacks to holding my keys in the doorway to go lay on the train tracks or something, but deciding last minute that it would be cruel for my family to think I’ve gone missing. Moments like that will pop into my head randomly and I’ll have a panic attack like my body actually thinks my life is in danger. I don’t know if I want to die or not. I just have really bad depression and sometimes my mind is in so much pain I just wish I was dead. I don’t wanna live in fear of myself anymore.