Maybe if I change myself enough then she will love me… but I know she never will. The time has passed and I don’t think that I will talk to her much when I’m adult. I wish I could be the skinny pretty sweet girl she wants., instead im a guy that doesn’t fit society’s standards… but I love my body and how I look… I love how I look like a guy and how I can sneak male clothes and deodorant and things like that into my life without her knowing.. I love being a guy.. when I was that girl I wanted to starve myself and I did for a week I ate a least a bite of food a day and I lost 10 pounds or more in 5 days… my muscles grew weak and I could barely get out of bed I kept telling myself “ just do this so you can be good for her” I said that over and over but I never was… now that I’m a guy i still feel deeply sad but it’s better you know.. I still hate my life but what can you do… I go by Dimitri now… way better then that.