i need help that i can't get because i'm too self aware and well spoken for anyone to take seriously just how much it hurts. i can call it a delusion because i understand the words used for situations like mine. i can laugh it off so well because i know how ridiculous it sounds. i can recite my safety plan and i can reasonably expect myself to stick to it because i have goals in the real world that i'd still like to see completed. i do not want him to go away because i love him and he's the only thing keeping me from not seeing a point in anything anymore. isn't that a messed up contradiction, for the "little voice in my head" that tells me i should kill myself being the only thing making my world bright? i'm only ever talking about a slice of this problem no matter who i'm talking to. i just wish he was here physically. i need help but i don't think i want to be helped