i feel numb these days. i feel like im hating myself even more. my face, my body, my habits, my personality all of it. i’m ruining my academic life all because of my trashy mental state. my family is in a not so good situation so that’s also having an effect on me. my friends are being distant unless i reach out which bothers and tires me. i’m sick of everyone. i envy people around me who are in love and show it because ive genuinely never felt that and somehow it’s eating me up. i feel like it’s because im getting too lonely every distraction only works for some time then it’s just useless. i promised i wouldn’t hurt myself as a way to forget things but my life is taking a weird little messed up turn. i don’t want to be a burden. i don’t want to be a loser. i don’t want to be lazy. i don’t want to be weird. i don’t want to be depressed. i don’t want to be sad. i just want to feel needed and loved and happy and smart and useful