I hate myself so much that I cry just thinking about it. I have an eating disorder and I used to be able to go days without eating but now I’m in “recovery” which is stupid I don’t even want to recover. Anyway I’ve been eating more over the past week and yesterday I tried to starve the whole day and I couldn’t do it, at 1am I broke and got some cheese and crackers and I was literally sobbing while I ate them because I have zero discipline, I can’t commit to anything, I hate how I look in the mirror but clearly I must not hate it that much if I can’t even go one fucking day without eating. I know this is unhealthy, I really do I’m not stupid but it doesn’t even matter cause I don’t care that it’s unhealthy I just want to change myself. I keep having vivid dreams of passing away in my sleep and my roommate or friend discovering me I just want someone to ask if I’m okay because I’m not okay but it doesn’t matter cause even if they did ask I’d just say I’m fine. I’m so pathetic and weak