I put myself down to tolerate my asshole father while wanting to kill him and myself. I don't have a close connection with anyone else in my family, they all consider me as a lost cause, a special ed kid, and they've moved on with their own miserable lives. I used to take pride in having overcame gluttony and comfort, now I'm steeped in the same sloth that I condemned. All that was promised to me was a farce, a joke co-opted and scripted by corporations and all that jazz that I don't feel able to critique properly. They decided for me. I hated my dad for them. I don't know if I hate my dad on my own terms, or if I can ever hate myself just as it is. I'm frustrated with myself, I'm frustrated with the world. I feel that I want the world to change more than I want to change myself because just sitting in nature is too daunting for my post-literate last man of morality mind these days. Fuck me. Laugh at me.