something that deeply deeply deeply sucks is that when you have a delusion centred on a real person and it's not your first rodeo and you half-know you have to fight it and keep trying and take your meds and don't do anything out of pocket but when you fuck up is that it doesn't matter, bc you said and did some fucked up shit in the end. regardless of reason you still did that. you broke bc you were so scared and angry and convinced you have to attack a threat but a part of you knew it wasn't real and that part wasn't strong enough. It doesn't matter that you were trying so so hard, it still won and now the lines between the illness and you start to blur for yourself and in the eyes of other people. you're unwell but you're evil. you keep coming back to yourself but you still betrayed your core values and you can't undo that. You want to stay out of hospital bc you have precious things and people and a life you want to live but this thing is eating you alive and you just want to feel s