For most of my life I never understood why self harm existed. Why did people want to hurt themselves? It seems like such a strange concept to me. I get it now. Sometimes you just feel like you need pain. Like if it's there your real. Finally real. I've never cut. Never left marks. Not allowed. But god does scratching feel so good and not enough. I'm supposed to be the stable friend. I called myself 'suicide watch' bc 3-4 of my friends said that if I committed they would. I'm the only one who doesn't make suicide jokes, it's too real for me. I could do it. I have access to a loaded firearm right now. Two actually. I'm not going to, that's why I'm here instead. Just... Need to get something off my chest, there's not enough space in my head as is, don't need more stupid thoughts in here. I dunno. I hope anyone who actually read this has a better tomorrow than they did today.