being lonely might be the worst kind of pain there is for years i really have been alone the whole time. no friend i've ever had has ever truly stayed for good. my infuriating natural avoidance and crippling social anxiety dont make it any easier on me nothing changes. i can lose as much weight as i want. change my hair as many times as i want. wear my nicest clothes and the brightest smile. it doesnt change the way everyone walks right through me like i'm a ghost i feel like an alien on a planet where i dont belong. i feel like i always have to pretend, desperate for someone to finally like me. im sick of pretending. it never works. the truth doesnt work either. ive done everything. i show up time and time again, i go to hobby related places, join clubs, and yet everyone passes me by without so much as a glance. it's exhausting. i think the one thing i've ever really wanted in life was a true, honest friend. but because its me, i know its never going to happen.