im still friends with my ex. I don't know why. he should hate me. its come back to him that I told some intimate parts of our relationship to some mutual friends and talked bad about him to my cross country team. he didn't break up with me for that, he found out after we broke up. he keeps talking to me, and crying in front of me sometimes because of me . I feel so guilty. I want to apologize. I need to. but I don't know how without telling him I still love him. how no matter what I do I can't get him out of my system. he's on my mind constantly, and nothing feels right now that he's gone. he was my first love. we dated for 3 years, and I genuinely don't think ill ever feel the overwhelming love and affection for someone that's not him. I just need to apologize to him because I feel guilty, but how do I tell him that im sorry without telling him how I really feel? how im still desperately in love with him and how no matter what I do I can't stop. we need each other bc of what we did.